my heart was broken more times these past 4 weeks than the past 4 years. i think some people are born lovers, and all they could ever do in life is love. i also think some people can not love at all.
When I was younger, I was careless and carefree. I would love to share my wisdom on different topics with my friends, thoughts I considered deep, philosophical, concepts about this world, ideas to make it better, dreams and plans. In time, these thoughts became more distant, as if I was trying to reach them one more time, but they were further away, they did not belong to me anymore. I thought that, maybe, I became too anchored in this world, busy with making a living, having a career, there was not much time left for me and my thoughts, no time left for an ideal world, while struggling with the real one. This was not the truth. My focus has shifted, indeed, but the feeling of losing my identity, not seeing myself as I once was, believing I was becoming more superficial, was about something else entirely. Growing older, I started to have a better understanding of this world, not from books, films and concepts, from meeting people, talking to them, see their struggles, their moments of joy, realizing how wide and complex this world is, accepting that each person is as important as you are, with their own problems, desires, an entire universe. Acknowledging this truth, I was no longer capable of identifying with my old self, I could no longer talk about… fantasies. I am more anchored in the real world now. I have an empathy I did not have before. And I feel vulnerable, very vulnerable, because I started to care. I am moved by small things, I am touched and I suffer. It brings me a suffering that I can not describe, a terrible sadness. This feeling occurs when I see the suffering of others, their regrets, their thoughts to go back to better times, actions that can not be reversed. These thoughts about suffering, about losing someone forever shatter me. I lay down and I cry. I cry and I can not stop. In fact, I don’t want to stop, I think this empathy is what makes me a human being. It’s therapeutic.
i am always online. i cannot work today but i am there. i am not present but i am there. you are not anywhere. you will never be online again. fifty-eight days. you will never be online again. nine days ago i saw a green dot next to your name. alternate universe sighting. you will never be online again. i am always online. i am watching all the numbers. you are part of another statistic. you will never be online again. everything is slightly different now. i am always online. you will never be online again.
now missing something is worse. now i am always helpless. there is nothing i could ever do but is it fair, during a global health emergency to only ever think of you and when the economy is crumbling down i can only complain about you and when the whole world is thinking about the future i can only think of the past i can only think about how this world never loved me back and neither did you.
3rd day of a terrible headache. I swear, it’s crushing me. I can barely move. It feels bad. I need social media distancing too. Fuck if I’m touching my phone again. I’m gonna stare out my window for a few hours. It’s just me and a few seagulls. Fuckers started roaming around my window cause I threw them bread and food that’s gone bad. No more phone. We settled. Hope that’s gonna help with my headache.
It’s been too many days living alone in my apartment. One day, going to the bathroom, I saw a spider in my tube. I took the shower and I drowned it, it was gone. In the next day, I was surprised to see the spider in the exact same spot. Again, I took the shower and sent it away with a lot of water. In the third day, it was in the same spot. I started wondering why it was staying there, in the same spot, every morning. But, as I didn’t really want the company, I sent it away again. On the fourth day, he wasn’t there anymore. And I realised that it wasn’t because he couldn’t come back. It was because he didn’t want to come back. I disappointed him. I miss him now.
Today is about headaches. I've been chatting with O. and A. about the headaches we've been having lately. We cannot sleep at night nor can we hope to tackle them with the classical Paracetamol. This simply didn't work. Blood running down the nose and somatically induced reactions.
The sound of siren is something I can hear now every half an hour and the snow announces bells and reindeers. If this thing extends beyond Easter, we're all fucked. COVID-19. Menstrual Pandemic. Really big horse shit. It's like AIDS. You should be ashamed of yourself if you have it and pass it forward. What do you do if you do grab it? Well, don't get any bright ideas about recovering. Call 112. Let the ambulance come, get down at Universitary Hospital Station, get ventilated through a butterfly needle. And then worry about all the people you've seen in the last couple of weeks, feel guilty about it or not, life's over, you're a monster, you should do time. In the meantime, I got myself 6 cigarettes today. I also got Jane Austen here in my brain. She's got Emma, who thinks like a spinster. Which is probably what I'm gonna be cause I always have been. Better this than have some peasant who can't appreciate me. You go, girl! Though I can't appreciate myself either. I still see myself as untalented and incapable. Maybe that's how I am! But I don't wanna hear that from another person. On the contrary, I want a little sucking up. Some ass kissing might do me some good. Is there something bad about that? It's so quiet and pretty when you have time to notice! And how preposterous can Romanian thinking be. The state's bad, they don't give us anything, they kill us in our homes. Basescian thought is pushing us down in the grave. Ceausescu was better. The young are stupid and uneducated. Old people are stupid and uneducated. People go out on the streets with COVID 19 in their pocket. Irresponsible people go out in the park with their grandmas and stereos. Barbecues are getting made inside my friend's home. We have a little too much to put on that table. COVID wants to give us a vaccine. COVID's gonna bring the war. Not yet, Coane Fănică. We're going to wait just a while more, until I turn 50. Love Germany, though. How they help the East by offering 1500 beds for pacients who really need it. And RoRo's still shit.
No man is an island, entire of itself. What the fuck does that even mean? So am I supposed to just lay down and cry for every piece of shit that dies? Fuck if I’m ever going to cry again for her. Either way, I managed to learn the poem by heart and watched a few more episodes of Tiger King. Today we should’ve celebrated our 5th anniversary, but goddamn, I’m sure gonna send to know when your bell tolls.
Nothin’ compares to these blue and yellow purple pills. I’m starting to love them pills.
I can’t eat, I can’t drink water, I can’t move. Come to think of it, I don’t think I even want to. Why? Why would I. What’s the point? I keep thinking about this. If we really are governed by some mystical energy of the universe, do you even realise how terribly insignificant we are, as a species? We don’t even have a purpose. What’s our endgame? Seriously? I demand to know! WhY dOeS mY hEaD hUrT sO mUcH???? Why does the child boil in the bowl of stew? I mean Beth Hart is amazing and I can’t wait to get out of quarantine so I could get a tattoo. Not of Beth, though. Remember when I told you what my first tattoo was gonna be and you said No like you had any say in that decision? Congrats, bitch, you got what you wanted. I’m not doing it... But, do you know why? Cause I found something better. Dude, my headache went away for a couple of minutes.
I have a special relationship with my grandfather, but I don’t know how to define it. It’s a strong connection, that links me to him since the beginning of my existence. He is a good, kind, altruistic person, that taught me a lot about life and about being human. But he never told me that, I just watched him and learnt. He is a man that does not judge, he is not arrogant with anyone. I don’t remember seeing him angry, he never shows his feelings, he doesn’t talk about himself, but he always takes care of others. I watch him and I learn. And, because you can only learn from him by observing, I am sad that people around don’t have the time and patience to see him for the truly extraordinary man he is. But this special connection doesn’t come from a profound respect, not from his qualities, but from a fear I always had. When I was a child, I would often dream about the death of my grandfather and I would wake up crying. I don’t know why I had such dreams and I don’t know why his death was the only thing capable of creating such a strong reaction in my mind. I grew up, the time has passed, I no longer dream his death, but, if I think about him and about his death, I start crying, like when I was a child. And it is weird, because my life philosophy is different from these thoughts. I am really glad that my grandfather got to the age of 83 and counting, he had a hard, but good life, and death would only be a natural conclusion. I believe, though, that my sadness is selfish, that this fear is not connected to the fact that my grandfather will die someday, I am afraid that, after his death, I will no longer be able to see the world in the same manner, I will lose something forever.
4th day of The Terrible Headache. I’m long past Quarantine Day #69. My days are about my Headache now. And so, I’ve decided to treat It with the respect It deserves. I’m writing Its name with capital letters, hoping, just hoping, The Deity (yes, It is a Deity now, I’ll fight you if you say otherwise) might show me some pity and let me at least eat. It’s bad. Also, it didn’t help that I unblocked you from my Facebook page just to check your page out. Yeah, I’m extremely glad you are with the asshole that you’ve cheated on me with. Misery loves company, I guess.
Where is my orange juice?
Movies now make me hurt. I've opened Netflix today and skipped through all the crap. I've set my iPad, waited for the movie to download - where is the broadband we used to have, I asked myself - and played Child’s Pose (Poziția Copilului).
Opening scene: a ball or a fancy party / loud music / people greeting each other, and all this just hurts for the moment. I've avoided watching anything apart from the news. Now I think I know why: all this is painful.
Nostalgia after something we all had.
I try not to be sad. I just feel myself away: this is something similar to the way I used to feel after a night spent in the club. The moment when all the euphoria, joy and excitement was gone was the moment in which I used to ask myself: who am I truly?
I watch the actors talking all the time. Will I be capable to do this in the same way all again? Fun fact: I’ve started not to miss my friends anymore: I just want to be with O., fighting in the car, she accusing me of trying to ruin her day and finally starting to laugh just when we meet with some friends we knew.
O. is so close now but some dozens of kilometres now feel like a long-haul flight.
How were we, truly?
If I go out the window, I can smell the sea. I swear. If I focus I can even hear it. I can taste the salt on my lips. It’s so quiet. My late screenwriting professor says Hi!, dear sea. I miss those times. I was actually happy. Really, really happy. You never know you are happy. You only know when you are sad. I am sad. Remember when you were happy? I remember. I know you do, too.
I just wanna send a big Fuck you! to all of you that still think this social distancing will help us in any way. But I won't, it's not nice. Instead, can you answer these questions: If we don't have a cure for this virus in five years (and the world has seen worse than that), should we open everything again 5 years from now? Do you depend on someone who is at a high risk for rent money, pocket money or any money? Have you checked your facts? Do you understand that people under 20 are likely to manifest no symptom? Like... your grandma may or may not die from this flu which is not any flu but is essentially a flu that may or may not use you and abuse you especially if you happen to be in the high percentage of 5 percent that dies? I don't care, all my grandparents are dead and my parents are chronically diseased, but frankly... what can I do? Ok, I socially distanced myself from them this Easter, but I won't do that for the whole year. If they die from Corona, I have to see them first, that's tradition. This is coming from someone who has been indirectly affected by this. I have two jobs: one is a non-corporation, small business that is on its way to bankruptcy if this extends for the whole year and/or comes back in the same shape by the end of 2020. Frankly, I think I'd have the same position if this thing we're talking about would be air transmitted AIDS, that only kills 20 year olds. We die twice. In sickness and in finance. Oh, and one last thing. When did the people who govern us ever care about our health and well being? How can you be so convinced that NOW is an exception and this hole thing isn't just a big hoax that covers up something else? I know, I'm such an ego player, right? My dad thinks the same and he's old :) PS: Keep safe and never leave your room again!
I’ve let my laptop on for about 13 days to download a movie. A CGI animated tie-in movie to Final Fantasy XV, a JRPG (Japanese RPG). Incredible game, I managed to platinum it in about 80 hours total. Amazing story. Anyway, I wanted to watch the prequel movie, but it was not on Netflix or HBO or anywhere, and so I had to resort to torrents. But, of course, it’s dead anywhere. My fucking luck. So I spent 13 days, 24/24 hrs downloading the movie from a tracker with something like 15 kilos a sec. Yeah, I shaved my head 2 times in this period and the movie was barely over 90%. But, alas, one night, after a hard day at work and lots of stress, I sat down to watch the movie. My saving grace. Got my salty potato chips ready and my drinking yogurt by my side, got my heart pills and I hit play............................................................. It’s dubbed.
Last year, this day, I was at the seaside with my friends. She stayed home, no reason given. We partied and talked and remembered all the good times without even knowing that these were indeed the good times that we were living. I feel so foolish now thinking back about all this. All we had was good and we still had freedom. Today I hate the media once again: they sign their special papers and they present it to us: how does an empty beach look like – it’s just an empty beach, it’s just an empty city, it’s just an empty world.
Today we celebrate my grandfather’s birthday. One month ago – or even more, I think? - I would not have thought that I’d be home for this. I was still away, and everything was still in its place. I still remember my home, how it used to look like before we were all sent back home, and everything was falling. I remember the path I used to walk from work; I remember the Tesco I always used to shop into, I remember the pub we used to go and I remember the city bus, the Lidl, the coach station, the late night-bus, the have a nice day we said to our Persian driver, I remember all this. I wasn’t happy, but I had a life. And now they deleted everything: every bit of it.
Today I started crying with no apparent reason. I was also quite angry with myself or the world, I don’t know which. It dawned on me that we often don’t know the reason for our emotions, especially being furious or sad. I know at least that I don’t usually know. I like that part of myself sometimes. Being unbearably angry with no focus point makes me seem a bit nuts but I kind of find it funny as well. It’s like making memes in times of adversity. Anyway, I’m realizing that my sadness and fear nowadays are quite normal considering the situation. Even if it’s not for my own reason, I may as well be angry and sad instead of the Earth: Ah, you puny little humans, thinking you’ve got the best of me! Doing terrible things to me and each other, I’ll show you how it feels to lose something dear to you now when you thought it wasn’t possible. That’s what I imagine the Earth must be telling us right now. It’s like people are just hiding their suffering and saying everything is fine. But I’m sick of that, maybe that’s why I’m angry right now. I hope that we’ll manage to get over that at some point and see our real needs. Maybe there’s a need for a general hug of everyone in this world but no one says it.