I think we need rain To wash away all problems and clean nature To make us stay inside and avoid the world To help us sleep To make us forget To let the feelings flow And then the Sun again.
4am. the moon has been woken me up with her light. it's the middle of the night. the first thing I do is check my phone and I see another random message from you. it's not that random tho. because I was thinking of you lately. how I miss your soul and our love that felt so pure, even though you were a stranger sometimes. now I'm standing in the moonlight and I'm wondering if I should tell you... because I still do. I transformed the hate in acceptance and forgiveness. and my moon tells me that I did that since the beginning. but I still find it odd how I let myself burn so many times. I thought it was making me stronger. and it did. I am thankful for that. my moon will constantly give me powers. she's smiling and it's so magical how much she glows. I don't have to tell you that I love you. I always will. and you know that even though I still have no answers.
You know, I have this thought, not a thought but more like... I discovered something. Bare with me for a second. It might be confusing at first, but with enough pencils and coffee I bet we can crack it. I need your help. So, let me know what you think about what I’m about to tell you. But, remember, it’s only between me and you, ok? But I’m going to let you know from the beginning. I’m not looking to fall in love with anyone. Ok? Just so we make this clear. So don’t bother sweet talking to me. I can see right through all that bullshit. I’m way past that. But, of course, I can tell you what I’m into. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were into all this stuff yourself, but... What do you mean? No, I haven’t lost track. So, stay awhile and listen. I’m going to tell you the greatest thing you’ve ever heard. But, just so you know, I might fall in love with you.
My kid is an anime fan. It is funny. He listens to Depeche Mode, Scooter or Vița de Vie and watches Evangelion and Ghost in the Shell. It was his choice, not my influence. But it’s very funny to see a much more improved version of me in the 90s out there. He also keeps a journal and he is just seven years old. He understands more about what is going on in politics, in the news or how to be responsible than most of the adults I know. He is taking robotics classes now, learns Japanese and English and videocalls his girlfriend every two days. I like it a lot that I am able to be with him more during this period.
I found it interesting that one of my most beloved projects had the same release date as the birthday of my first love. I noticed she didn’t have her birthday written on Facebook anymore, so I decided to say a few words to her, to say that I remember her, even though we hadn’t spoken in years. She just responded with a Thank you! and I did not go further with the conversation, because I didn’t know what to tell her and I didn’t really want to talk to her. Even if she is a beautiful memory, she is a person of the past. But what is even more interesting is that her present relationship is 10 years long, which, for me, is a tremendously long time. I have to mention that, when we fell in love, she was just on a break from this relationship (which was about two years long back then). And the memory of her gives me mixed feelings. Somehow, I liked those days, it was special for me to feel loved by the person I liked so much. She was the first. On the other hand, I was different back then. I don’t recognize me anymore. I was naive and very, very shy. I was even afraid to hold her hand, we never kissed. But I feel guilty now. Not because I was shy, because I feel like an intruder, like a spot in her true relationship (the 10 years long one). I am a very romantic and idealistic person and, somehow, I am really happy for her, because she seems to have found the chosen one. Sometimes I wanted to ask her what is the secret, they seem so happy together, their relationship has lasted so long, even through very difficult and challenging times. I admire and respect them. I admire and respect them because I am in a relationship now, for more than three years, and I know how challenging it is. And it is often weird for me, because I am a late bloomer and this is my first serious relationship. I often ask myself if I know what love is and if I can define it. I still can’t. Because the definition keeps fluctuating. What I felt for this first girl doesn’t seem like love to me anymore. I didn’t really know her, we didn’t spend too much time together, I didn’t see her flaws, her habits, all I saw was a divine and beautiful human being. And I saw how she made me feel. But, now, I don’t think that was love. Maybe I felt that way just because she was the first, just because she made me feel important, special, loved. That’s not love, that’s just selfishness, the feeling of being a great person, the self-esteem you get by being accepted. Now, now it is different. As I said, being an idealistic person, I refused to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I preferred being alone. Then I met her and, in time, I realized I would really like her to be my partner. She’s my partner now, as I said, for more than three years. It has been difficult, but, as a quote for Bojack Horseman would say: It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it everyday, that’s the hard part. It is, indeed, a hard part, trying to figure out what you want, who you are, how to talk to one another, how not to be selfish. I think she is the one for me, even though I often struggle with my own insecurities, feeling worthless, not doing enough for this relationship, feeling that I am too selfish or careless. If there is one thing I have learnt about love in all these years is that love is the hardest feeling, because it must be built, in time.
Woke up in a good mood. Did my yoga + meditation. Added new posts on Facebook and Instagram (plus stories). Slight attempt to cook something – broke 2 plates and a glass (with wine). 2 videocalls with my best friends. Phone call with my folks. Texted my crush – got a seen back (happens to the best of us). Time to hit the bed. Today was a good day for science.
So much freedom. Ironically, don’t you think? Four walls, a laptop and a cup of coffee. A soul and a mind wandering all over places. Non-stop texting. Zoom. Can you hear me? I can’t see you. Turn the volume up. What a cool wall you have over there! Oh, do I hear a kitty? What a cutiepie, does it bite? Haha, it can’t reach me anyway! In this whole chaos of accommodation, I have found my peace. Maybe it’s a bit insensitive that I actually enjoy being in quarantine. Work from home suits me. I do my shopping online. I go out to walk my dog anyway, and the sun comforts me from my windows. Now I have time. To water my plants, to clean their leaves. To go back to the hobby that I abandoned two years ago. To thoroughly tidy up everything. To read. To properly cook and not to rush. The planet is thriving. Pollution is at record-low levels. My sour cherry tree has flourished, just as my hope for a better future.
It’s been a month since all of this started. I had the impression that it was going to be way harder but as one Instagram post said, all we have to do is be on our couches watching Netflix. How hard can that be? Well… I thought about becoming a baker. We live in the present and, right now, what happened at the beginning of March is irrelevant. What’s important is that I made sourdough from scratch and I started baking. After 10 days of carefully feeding my future sourdough I’ve finally had it. What’s the first thing that I did with it? Pancakes. I’ve made pancakes for my 1 year-old niece. She ate about three of them and she seemed like she could have more. Then I went on to the next level – bread. It turned out fine but I’m still experimenting with that. Meanwhile I’ve levelled up – cheddar and jalapeno bread. That was awesome (I’ll leave a photo at the end of this journal entry). I even began taking request from friends and former colleagues to deliver some in the next weeks. What can I say? I never saw myself as a baker but this first month of isolation brought me this huge surprise. I would like to pursue this and see where it goes. It’s not a dream but a desire that I’ve discovered in the past four weeks.
I haven’t slept last night. I’ve been awake for 24 hrs now. And you know why? It’s like the Holy Gods have finally graced me with their presence. I feel enlightened. YES! I WANT TO LIVE! AND YOU KNOW WHY? YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE ALL SO SIMPLE BUT AT THE SAME TIME GREAT THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME? MY HEADACHE STOPPED! MY GODDAMN HEADACHE WENT AWAY! YES! TO HELL WITH IT! Now, let me tell you about my night. I spent the entire night watching videos and reading guides and learning how to paint miniatures. You know, small fantasy figurines. Warhammer and Warhammer 40K seem to be the most common, but you can try your hand with anything. Just don’t go near designer figurines. Damn you’re spending 300$ for a super limited edition figurine and now you want to go brrrrrr with your cheap brushes? So, back to our sheep. Miniature painting. You need of course miniatures, paints and brushes, but you can find starter packs at your local games shop that give you these things. Now what you need is primer. Any can of spray primer is good, but you should go with a black one and a white one. Now, it’s not necessary to buy a white one, but it helps a ton in the long run, I’m gonna tell you when the time comes. So first step is to assemble the figures, and I’ve learned that the best thing is to clip the pins that you use to fit the parts together and just glue them, as glue dissolves a bit of the plastic and makes them stick better than the normal way. So after that you stick them on a surface (best way is with double sided tape) and spray them with primer. But not close up! From afar. Let the wind carry the spray. And don’t overdo them or you will end up with watery parts that cover the details. After that you also spray them with white primer, but from above. And again, not a lot, just a few puffs. The deal is that the white primer helps you see the details that might have been covered by the black primer. Now you let them dry. After that, you have to put them on some handles to help you hold them. You can either buy a handle from your shop or glue a piece of magnet on the base and another on a wooden handle. Now, about the paint, you shouldn’t use a dry base, as it makes your paints dry faster, lol. Use a damp surface, like a wet paper towel. Now, you can start painting. It’s best to start with the skin colors, or big colors first, and usually 2 layers are enough (especially with lighter colors, like yellow), but don’t worry about getting messy or painting over parts. Remember, this is your first layer. You have time to get over that when you move to other colors. Once you’re done with the colors, you can try your hand at details. For weapons, you can give them a used look by drying your brush with the silver paint, and just stroking it gently over the weapon. At this point, most of the colors are on the model and you’ve gone through the most time consuming part. Now we can start using special “Wash Paints”. Those are basically water-y paints that drips into the crevices of the model and darkens it, gives it definition and gives it that “reflective” look. After this, you have to let them dry a bit, and now comes the fun part. You can dry paint (the technique I detailed earlier with the weapon) to add even more details to the hair of the model, the cape, the armor or anything like that. And, of course, after all this, comes the hardest part. The eyes. Get your coffee ready, and brighten your lights. Use a very, very thin brush for the eyes. Paint white for the base and use a black dot for the pupil. Yeah, you can use blue or green to distinguish the iris from the pupil, but at such a small scale and at this point so far into the painting process you leave yourself much too open to make a mistake. Now, once you are done you can use some spray varnish and you have sealed the deal on the first miniature that you painted! Congrats!
Today is the second day of the Orthodox Easter.
I simply don’t feel like writing anything about this.
I watched some Romanian movies for the second time all night. I feel like this is something that has the potential to refocus my attention.I don’t want to think about the accommodation I’ll need after the lockdown nor do I want to lose my hope in what is to come.
I feel like all the gestures, the most anodyne ones that I see in movies, are far better than anything I can see on Facebook or TV. I don’t want to know anything more about the 10th Military Law that is due to be presented today.
I don’t want to know about how many died and by the way:
why is it always HOW MANY DIED
and almost never WHO DIED?
I’m grateful for the moment and I think that the sun that shines and that made my face go red while gardening may be enough to pass the day.
In these weeks of isolation I increasingly appreciate that I have a balcony and I can stay in the sun. I can listen to the birds, I can read and eat here. The workers do their thing, they build blocks, but it doesn't bother me. The important thing is to feel some air, not to be deprived of it completely.
Truth to be told I visited my boyfriend for a few days. I find it hard to stay away from him or leave my sister alone, she’d probably hate me. So we break the law once a week and we rely on our youth, which will keep us safe. But we don’t really come close to other people. He lives relatively close so I just walk there, pretending that I’m going to the supermarket.
However, when all this is over I think I won't stay in the house at all, I'll take my blanket and just stay in the park. To get a cold because I’m sitting on the ground, just an old regular cold.
Another good thing coming out of this quarantine is that I wrote more poems than I probably did last year. In other conditions I would have said that the lyrics are a result of my bitterness, of boredom, of too much solitude. But they’re not, I don’t feel that. I just listened to myself, took deep breaths every time it seemed a bit too much, took the phone and wrote what was going through my mind. But I also wrote stuff when I looked at the sky and simply admired something, so without any residue of sadness, without any connection to this whole period. I guess the thing is that I gave myself time.
With other occasions poetry would be an outburst of the moment, something to do when the party reached a dead point or something interesting happened in front of my eyes. Now it came just like that, like a blacksmith’s need to make a useful door key, besides some polished jewels for the village baron. So a fresh balcony production sounds like this:
Why have we invented buildings, Blocks with many many floors, When a roof over our head Meant that we should just sleep there? We don't need mansions to live in, We should live into this world Full of beauty, magic colors, Clear waters, tiny birds, Tickly weeds and windy streets, Sunbeams over lakes with kids, Picnic sheets with fruits and spritz, Why can’t we go back to this?
Some poor people, with a carriage, stopped in front of my house. They were drinking beer, talking loudly, the child was playing with the horse, so my dog started to bark at them. It took only five minutes for the police to come and start asking them questions. They were quite strict, but polite. Of course, the guys with the carriage didn’t have papers or a good reason to be outside. But the policemen were very patient. They told them to go back home, with just a warning. And that was all. No scandal, no fines. It was a moment of normality.
Today will be the best day of my life. What could be better than waking up all alone in your studio apartment and being able to dance from the first hour of the morning? Having beans soup in your fridge and no trace of Corona virus in your body? Being able to self teach piano, then crushing it with another hobby, which is teaching English and then another hobby which is delivering convincing monologues which at some point will be seen and judged by important people who can establish my self worth? I guess I sort of don't want this period to end. These have truly been a couple of very productive months for me and I don't see how anyone could say any different. I don't feel angry anymore when I look at the small number of people who die because of Corona or the fact that diabetics and obese people are more likely to have it. I can accept the fact that those people need to be protected and I'm ready to pay the economic price for it. And, oh my god, to have so much spare time, not having to get out of the house, I mean... I dreamed of this. And if people are going to protest because the economy will go down and we'll have a revolution, I don't care. I won't go protesting anymore. Because this has truly been WONDERFUL. And I don't miss anyone. I feel like I have earned my right to live these days like a queen of my self made kingdom. And if someone tries to mock that, well... thank you for sharing. And I'll vote for Johannis again. I think he's awesome. And he's one of the best looking presidents we've ever had! What can I say? I'm well taken care of and I'm the one taking care of myself - and that is amazing. So. Who knows what this Corona is? I don't even understand Diabetes. Why should I beat my head around COVID-19? God bless the people who decided we should stay inside. This is unprecedented and will never happen again.
One month ago, I started to do some voluntary work, together with some of my friends, colleagues and volunteers. We are trying to donate PCR tests to Romanian hospitals. I was amazed how many people, who are not rich or at least have some money to spend, are ready to support. Actually, the regular people, the anonymous ones are making the difference, and not just now. I hope that after this difficult time will pass, they will be more visible, and changes will be made in the structure of the society. I am not optimistic, but the fact that there will not be so much money out there to be spent foolish, this will lead to a major change. Or, at least, I hope it will.
I am not a religious person and I don’t like traditions, because I don’t feel them, I feel they are fake, they make people behave in a certain way just because it is some day when we are supposed to celebrate something. But I respect traditions in my family, the little things that bring us together, once or twice a year. I don’t really like them, but I respect them. And one of them was that, during the Easter, we, the whole family, would go to the church and take the Holy Light. And, for me, more important than the Holy Light were the moments spent with my family, doing something together. But this year we couldn’t do it, due to the pandemic. And it felt like something was missing, we didn’t have that night together, as a family. On the other hand, it felt really, really good to know that everything is on hold and everybody is so relaxed. No more excessive cleaning, no more excessive food, no one to tell me what I am supposed to do. Completely free. I am really enjoying these days, because they are truly special. I don’t expect there will be another period in my lifetime when everything will be put on hold and I could do anything I want.
I am starting to feel sad that the quarantine times will come to an end soon. Although we can't really go out that much and there are restrictions, it's nice to be able to sleep more, stay inside and live at a slower pace. I think the world needed a break, and nature is more beautiful than ever now. I had a walk around the town today with my mom and observed the little things, the sunrays going through the trees, the buildings' architecture, lots of cats in weird places. And not so much human interaction. Which is relaxing sometimes. Really.
I so got used to quarantine, that the thought of going outside unsettles me in a deep way. And you know what, I kinda like it. I love staying inside.
it's the simple things in life being alone listening to your new favourite song feeling the goosebumps come in waves there must be more than this
This period of time got me thinking of the people I love and how distinct is every relation I have with them. And I started to ponder over something. I believe that, throughout your life, you can experience different kinds of soulmates. It doesn't mean you have to be attracted to them in a sexual way. It's just the bond you have that is so strong and genuine, both just wanting the best for each other. And the greatest thing is that sometimes you never think you would find this kind of connection where you did, and that is making it very precious. I hope everybody gets to experience this.
The absolute best thing that happened to me during this period is that I stopped thinking about that inhumane creature. Less and less. Work from home might be one of the reasons, but goddamn if it isn’t the best thing ever to just... dream...
I am grateful today. I am grateful for today. It seems like I never find enough time to express my gratitude for all the things that surround me. I might seem a bit conceited but there’s a lot for me to be grateful about. Even though I find faults in many of the things that surround me, they are nonetheless very precious to me. I’m not talking about objects mostly, but about people and places and opportunities. I think I am grateful even for my feelings. Now, when people are more distanced, even feelings become scarce. I am grateful for the feelings of those around me, even if they might be just annoyance towards me. Anyway, there are things worth being grateful for, actually most of the things are. I am grateful even for the hardships we are living through right now. They will let us emerge with a new and better self at the end of it.
I did the most amazing thing ever with my dad. A goddamn Hellboy 1000 pieces puzzle, officially licensed by Dark Horse Comics with exclusive artwork done by Mike Mignola himself. Took us about 15 hrs spread across 3 days. It was amazing. I’m so proud. Sent it to get it framed, can’t wait to see it. I chose a nonreflective glass for it. Love you, dad.
For many people, today is the day they suffer they can’t go out for a barbecue or go to the seaside. The 1st of May is the unofficial beginning of the warm season, but this year, in this particular place, it was a moment to remember two of the most beautiful people I’ve met. I was looking for something in this house and I found a couple of photo albums with this amazing couple in their youth. I was lucky enough to find out through the years a bit more about how they met and how they began their life together but today it was about remembering the years that I got to meet and spend time with them. They were together for more than 60 years and the most part of it they shared the kindest connection that I have ever seen between two people. I only got to see them for about 15 years and not even once I saw them having the smallest fight. Instead, I saw love, respect, consideration, bliss. Every time one of them got up the chair to do something, the other was right next to him/her to help. They shared everything, all the time. Their last years were shared between their apartment next to a beautiful park in the city and this house in the mountains. From April to September, they were in the mountains and the rest of the year they were in the city. When in Bucharest, they seemed to hurt for being confined in that apartment. They lived for these summer months, for the colour and the quiet the mountain offered them unconditionally. For a while, it seemed like they found the fountain of youth and nothing would stop them to forever enjoy the beauty of their mountain house. I remembered their stories and I started wondering if I’ll be lucky enough to ever find someone to have such a connection with. I don’t expect to share my life with someone for 60 years; I’m already 35 and the life expectancy for men is not that high. But I wish to have at least 30 good years to share with someone. One can only hope.
By the way. I’d fucking kill to be able to draw like Mike Mignola. Yeah, you can quote me on that.
Yes, accepting death, this is definitely the one question I’m facing these days. But I’m getting more and more comfortable with it. First of all because I’ve lived a great deal of things, I traveled for extended periods of time with friends and by myself, I partied hard, I’ve told people about some of my deepest desires and darkest thoughts, I’ve loved, I’ve tried to help and to create something with words. I want to keep on doing these things but if my day comes sooner than expected, I want my dear ones to know I was not bitter. And it seems funny to me that there actually was an earthquake today. And I did not die, actually I’ve danced for at least an hour with my sister. Maybe the last time she did it with such joy was when we were kids. And I managed to make her dance by initiating all sorts of weird moves so I’m sure the greatest purpose there could be is to help people be happy, to help them be themselves. And that’s what I’ve been doing and what I’ll keep on doing till I die, whenever that is. No reason to be stressed. And maybe there’s no reason to be stressed with the rest of the world either, ‘cause that takes time that we could dedicate to make it a little bit better. And yes, I hope I’ll remember that next time things get nasty.
I got and read almost all of Chuck Palahniuk’s books. Well, yeah, of course I’m goddamn proud! Listen to me, I’m much more impressed if you show me your guilty pleasure than if you try to act all elitist and shit. Fuck that. Tell me you like the first Twilight, let’s trade Pokémon cards and talk about your favourite Magic The Gathering expansion while we eat a Big Tasty with extra everything.
I went to a different store today. It was a good choice, because it filled me with joy. There’s a small park next to that store. I noticed the man with half-Dalmatians who used to always be in the park, but I think these days he would take any chance to get some fresh air with them. Lucky one. A few flowers grew among the blades of grass… They smiled at me through their colors. It's such a nice temperature. I wish I could sit down, enjoy the sun and write or meditate, as I did almost daily when the weather allowed. I have my own place in the park. I long for it more than anything. It's my dram of freedom in the middle of chaos. Now there is neither freedom nor chaos, haha. The city is too quiet. I am sincerely glad to see it this way and I am curious how it’s going to be after this. Through all this calm, you can see some pure souls that just exist. There were two young people who lived in the present, they fed the pigeons with twinkles in their eyes. You usually only notice this in old people. Oh, the old ones! A homeless gentleman that was in front of the store looked at me with his blue eyes, so painfully. I’d like to know what is happening to them during this period… But I don’t possess the strength to try to find out, because I know that I will amplify my feeling of helplessness. It's nice but also a bit awkward that I observe people, analyzing this, I feel like I know something about them. I am now referring strictly to those in the neighborhood. I've been doing this since I moved here. Inevitably, it's like building an imaginary relationship with them. Here I talk about the ladies from Mega, the neighbors and the dogs (some of them) who frequent the park, the employees from the cafes in the area, the old people who buy vegetables from down the block, the employees from shops down the streets, the old people who talk in front of the block and eventually play chess. I’m definitely missing someone. It occurred to me that I wouldn’t want this relationship to be just in my head. I, paying so much attention to details, know the names of some of them, possibly where they live or how often they usually leave the house. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time outside? But, look, I forgot about their existence in the hibernation period. It's like they suddenly appeared with good weather. With some of them, the conversations flow naturally. But with others I don't know how I could start the conversation. But I would like to know each one of them, knowing that each one has a different story. Yesterday I saw Donna from the window. I held back my tears... I wanted to go and caress her and sit with me on the meadow like that, simply. She used to pop out from nowhere, to come and meet my friends that I brought to my sacred place - which was actually a common-use area.
I fell asleep at 4 am and got woken up at 7 am. Guess why? There are some Vietnamese workers, for several months now, that are remaking the facade of the block. Well, I hear them every damn day, even on the weekend. They are friendly little fellows. I’m not. All they know in Romanian is how to say hello to me. It may seem nice, but the 6th hello of the day isn’t. I live on the 9th floor and now they are working their way to the top. This morning: drill from my left, drill from my right, drill from my upstairs neighbours, drill in the 4th dimension. My head is already drilling around. I can’t even put into words how annoying that was. At least I could wake up early, at least that. Went to the kitchen, they seem to be making eye contact with me. I turned around. Now, one guy is just looking at me while I’m working. At almost 10:30 am, I have a daily call for work. At almost this hour one of them is shouting to me to say hello. I must put my microphone on mute. Now I’m a passive listener in this conference. Besides that, everything is going great. A couple of hours later, I went to the supermarket to buy some supplies and it felt like I was in some kind of WWIII in my search for disinfectant or other basic supplies. What should I do now? I’m going home, content just for enjoying the outside weather. It’s warm and a sunny breeze is coming down my face, then, suddenly, I realize how happy I am just to have a little bit of interaction with anyone, even if it’s an annoyingly friendly Asian guy. I stay in front of my home, enjoying the sun as it slowly starts to set. Maybe I should try to be a little bit friendlier. Got used to staying home so much and not talking to anyone else that I forgot now how basic interactions work.
It’s Friday and today I have a meeting on Zoom with the other kids. I can’t wait for the weekend to come. Today, mommy and daddy are really busy. I like it when I meet the other kids on Zoom.
there are plenty of energies inside me. energies that I truly feel in the first place when I’m tired. but this time it’s fine. I regained my motivation, joy and love. through people, of course. I came to the conclusion that they are needed no matter what. I'm beginning to believe in the idea that we're all the same. humans. who made us human? it's a question that goes too far. I missed the feeling of gratitude. to feel grateful for everything I am and for what I have around me... for my adventure, that I managed to get to this point. I am a small paradox that in this moment merges into a drowsiness combined with vulnerability. I had few hours of sleep. time has passed again. but it was productive this time. I organized my thoughts a bit (past but also present), several new questions appeared (but at least now I know I'm going to figure them out). of course, this setup is still theoretic and unwritten. I'll take care of that a little tomorrow. I agree to take small steps again. until I break down. or maybe not.
A pigeon stood at my window for about an hour today. Felt like a Disney Princess. Call me Snow-fucking-White.
Today I’ve been looking through my photos from Spain and Greece, missing the sea and just wandering around with no purpose, thinking about what flavor of ice cream should I choose. But only lucky people have these problems so we shall think about solutions. We'll go to some village nearby, rent a cabin or go camping, just something... anything. Just 4 people, maybe. And things will be fine or at least bearable. There is hope in the idea that nothing lasts forever. The same idea that with other occasions makes us question everything. But, yeah, life is a paradox in itself, here’s another chance to remember that.
Today I’ve received my first block on social media. Someone got upset because I expressed my support for the medical staff & police officers that are on duty these days so I’ve got blocked. I encourage people to have their own opinions and be brave enough to speak their mind, so, even with this outcome, I didn’t judge and there were no hard feelings. I’m not sad or mad about it, I literally have no reason to feel so. What concerns me is that more and more people are starting to get frustrated about the current situation and lash out with 0 empathy for others. I know it’s hard to stay indoors for so long, that we don’t have much information about this virus and that the government imposed a lot of restrictions and our day-to-day life has changed. But what’s important is that we don’t forget that we’re all in this, and we need to act as a team. Some of us forgot about it, but some haven’t - and that’s what we need right now: teamwork.
I love comic books with variant covers! They bring me a unique kind of joy!
When I woke up in the morning, I called for daddy, but he wouldn’t come so I left the room, he was sleeping. I saw a letter on the table, then I entered the room and daddy woke up. I got out of bed, changed my clothes and read the letter, it was from the Bunny. On the back of it there was a map of presents and I went everywhere the marked places were. For me, the presents were amazing, I for one didn’t know what I wished for. I stayed outside all day!
A couple of weeks ago, I was minding my own business in isolation, and by that I mean that I was just staying in my room not doing that much. Suddenly, I hear a shout from my flatmate’s room. When I asked what was going on, she just told me that a cat was in her bedroom. We are staying on the 9th floor, so what the fuck is happening. It was a beautiful Russian blue cat with green eyes and a really affectionate side. Surely, the cat belonged to someone else. We were a little bit confused for a couple of minutes and we waited to see if she wanted to come in our house. She was staying by the windows and probably came onto the scaffoldings. My flatmate was so enthusiastic that she went out to buy some things for her in case we had to keep her a little bit longer or end up adopting her. We put up some announces on the ground floor and in the elevator to see if we could find the owner. We ended up spending all day with the cat. Even gave her a name, Mango. She was so sweet that she couldn’t eat if one of us wasn’t around to keep her company. She followed me everywhere, even in the bathroom, which was weird. I’m not really an affectionate person or the kind that hugs everyone, because most of the time it makes me uncomfortable. So it was strange to see how a random animal we had never met before could be so in need of love and affection. With every chance she got, she immediately jumped into my arms in order to be caressed. Sadly for us, the next morning we found the owner and our fantasy of keeping Mango was gone with the wind. Mango’s home was on the block next to ours, so she must have had travelled some time until she reached our window. In the end, we started talking about adopting a cat to give our lonely life in quarantine a purpose. And if we hadn’t been in quarantine, working from home, we never have had this little encounter.
Dating during quarantine: if he calls you on your phone and not via Messenger or other social media channels, things are getting serious.
Lately, every time I go out on the balcony, I think to myself: God, I really miss people. Even my boy is a bit under the weather and my sis didn’t even get the chance to see what this city has to offer. She moved just a month before the lockdown. But we’re both lucky we decided to live together after 6 years, I imagine it would have been quite depressing to hear no one say: Hi, I bought water and bread, I’m gonna make pancakes today. No one to ask her how was it at work, how is it outside. And when I think I was afraid that we will argue from dusk till down. Guess we finally grew up. But, most of all, this makes me think about those times when I lived alone in a very strange neighborhood. Those days were dark as they were, so I can only wish that those who go through hard times have at least a friend who listens to them. I was blessed to have one or two friends willing to accept my lack of faith regarding life and my sudden bursts of joy. No judgment, no rejection. Patience means so much in general, the faith that things can be good as they are, and that they may eventually get better.
I cried this morning. I felt like I received my freedom back. The trees smiled at me and I laughed at them. The fresh and cold air couldn’t feel better. I let the wind tickle my body. I breathed in and out all my anxiety. I missed my green little heaven so badly. It’s my soul glade. I know now that I am so grateful for where I am now and what I am. It took so much consciousness. It is the place where I loved, cried, created and imparted, gained and lost. It is the place that showed me there was more to the times when I could see nothing but failures, the place that let me make mistakes that I could learn from, that approved my delusions and stood by my odd but good intentions.
The day has started with a terrible sleep paralysis type of nightmare, which made me nevertheless wake up at 7:40 and be more productive than the day before. Afterwards, I visited a friend, enjoying the freedom of not having to write any declaration, and we practiced some Chinese for her final exams. Then, I went to the office to have a drink with some friends. To mark the moment, of course. It wasn’t my idea, but it felt good. However, it’s not like I’m gonna be on the streets every day, I’ll just take a walk more often. I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel sad, so there’s not much to say. I’m just trying not to think about it too much, just like when it all started. Cause what can be done, even if we’re allowed to travel, see friends... how safe is that after all? We’re dealing with a thing we don’t know that much about, how we feel depends on how our bodies react, and how our bodies react depends on what we eat and on what genetics has to say. So I’ll keep on doing my things, trying to avoid bad habits, stay fit... and hope. I still got some hope. Things have to end eventually.