ennui

I can honestly say that, these days, the most enthralling things I do are making guacamole and finding something nice to watch. Or maybe cutting my boyfriend's hair, that is a pretty big one, especially since it's the second time I'm doing it in this quarantine and I got better and love doing it. I started to like being in my hometown, lots of fresh air and it's really quiet. Sometimes too quiet, but thank God for music, which can change my mood immediately. Also, my cat is cool too. I keep postponing riding my bike and it's getting annoying how much I love doing sports and being in nature, but being too lazy to start those activities. I hope tomorrow I will be brave enough to shake it off and go. Maybe. Story of my life.

I stay on the ground and I let the Sun warm my body. It’s been a long time since I’ve been outside. I don’t want to think about anything. Is it ok if I die now, so peacefully?

And, just like this, I start thinking about death, which is a concept that interested me since I was little. I wonder what death really is. When I was young, I often thought about how the world would look if I died, I made many excuses to die, imaginary plans. They were not suicidal thoughts, I never had those, just a morbid curiosity about how my final moments would be like, what I would do, how I would feel, how other people would feel. In time, I become terribly afraid of death. Not my own death, the death of people close to me, the suffering this would bring, the irreversible moment, the thought you can only move forward, that a person is forever lost in time. I was blessed until now, death has remained only a concept for me, I can only talk about it, I can not feel it, because I did not encounter it… yet.

I don’t know how I will feel when death will be around me, when I will lose someone important. But I don’t think I am afraid anymore, death is a part of life, it’s what makes life important, special, what makes us appreciate the little moments, what makes us struggle to do better, to be better. We only have one life, one chance to accomplish what we desire.

Enough thinking for today. I don’t want to think anymore, I just want to stay here, in the Sun. It’s interesting how, when I look at the Sun, with my eyes closed, the image turns from black to red. It’s becoming more and more powerful, as if my whole self gets immersed in red, as if I’m burning. Somehow, it hurts, but I like it, it makes me feel alive.

I talked to O. again and she shared my opinion: we might have got accustomed to all this. She used to take the tube, go to work, return home and go to uni. Now she’s stuck in bed and, apparently, this does not feel as painful as it used to in the beginning.

What if we were to get accustomed to all this?

When I was younger, I was taught that humans are the creatures that are most capable to adapt. Not physical strength but intellectual power, they said. Now all this sounds like bullshit or speciesism. But what if it’s true? What if all the freedom we had, and all the liberties were never necessary for our existence?

What if life can go on just as it is now?

Unfortunately, I feel that this is trivial as it’s illuminating. Of course, we can adapt while never knowing in which way you can do this.

I think I learnt a lesson. My fear is now: will I have the desire to get my life back once all ends? Or is it all to ever end?

I no longer feel stressed, anxious or even sad. I feel that my moments are now full. This can as well be called a life.

Sometimes you need some peace and quiet from all the noise outside and around our lives. You start with the basics, cleaning up your whole house, having some tea (or a lot), watching a tv show you already memorized when you were a teenager and maybe listening to your most beloved band. But, then, after all that, you become tired of the same silence, the ordinary of things. You need some action, something exciting and new, maybe an adventure. You can't right now, though. You are still in your home. Where you feel the most protected. Maybe it's time for a change?

I’ve slowly erased positive from my vocabulary.
It can be confusing or even misleading in some cases.

I’ll be optimistic about things for a while.

I am the sad pathetic reason why this Corona thing won't ever be over. Last week, I threw away at least a dozen self-declarations and now I have almost 5 in my folder. I say almost because I keep modifying the date, I'm too lazy to do it head to toe.

I also don't see a point in it. Quite frustrating.

Today, I drove my bike from Piața Sudului to where I live (a pleasant 20 minutes drive, given that the weather is gentle now) and I did it with no Declaration. The police was there, but they didn't stop me. Oh, the adrenaline!

I was lucky. I forgot to complete it because I had to fight with my so-called friend whom I suspect wants to be more than friends, who is my ex-boyfriend, whose company attracts booze and smoking, not to mention awkwardness, cause he's a boy and I'm a girl and people know we used to be together. He's my quarantine friend. Luckily, leaving for three months to measure up acres and acres of land as his ex-boss contracted him again yesterday.

He called me stupid and the conclusion is that I will never drink or smoke again from this day forward.

I won't block him on facebook or phone, for this strategy has been proven time and again WRONG. So I'll just say I'm very busy and invent excuses the next time he calls and says he wants to grab a beer.

I need to be radical as I can't afford to have people think I'm a drunk (nor can I have my pride injured by some other drunk who is 26 and still living with his mom).

I cried my last tears of hangover today. From this day on, I swear to God never to befriend someone who touches alcohol or tobacco. I can't do this to myself anymore.

Here we are. Everyone quarantined, all we can do to make things better is to stay home. What does better even mean? There's no silver lining here. Not into the near future at least. Or is there?

The only good part about this situation is the time we have for introspection. We can focus on ourselves much better if we want to. Now is the time to take a break from life as we know it and think about what damage we've taken so far and how it has changed us. In the same way, we can analyse all the good we've got remaining into our lives and be grateful for it.

My gym life was going pretty well. I kinda hate this virus for taking it away from me. However, we are now forced to improvise, so working out at home is a thing. This is just an example, right now life challenges us to see just how much we can rely simply on ourselves.

COVID-19, sure, but I still turn 19 when summer comes.

Regarding the Easter, I am not a religious person, I do not believe in the Church, in priests and all this business. I was born and raised an orthodox, but I consider myself an agnostic. I believe in a Supreme Being, but I am not able to define It, I am still searching for answers. In fact, the relationship with God was always in my attention and I like reading and watching films about God. Not the propaganda ones, the ones that question ourselves, like Ingmar Bergman’s.

However, I like churches. Empty churches, as buildings. And, when I was younger, I would like going to the church, but I preferred the catholic ones, just because I could sit on a bench. I remember I was looking for the most unknown churches and I was very glad when no one else was there. I liked sitting there, maybe even for hours. I did not go there to pray, I did not go there to talk to God, I just went there to have some time with myself, with my thoughts. I was meditating. And an empty church was the only place where I could hear my thoughts, where I felt immersed in something deeper than myself, something spiritual.

I miss going to the church. I should stop pretending I am always busy.

Pulsing in my head are all the tasks I am trying to keep up with.

With my head on the pillow, each beat keeps me alive. Am I grateful for that or am I too aware of that? Because sometimes I think of my pulse as being too forceful. It might be nothing, it might be an aneurysm. At other times I want to have my pulse bounding. Carotids, femorals. Work intensely, you have to earn each movement.

The pulse can not take a break. You've got to laugh so hard until you're not aware of it anymore.

I’ve stayed home for the past 20 days. Or even more. I’m not really sure and I don’t really see why this might be important. I’m trying to convince myself that I’ve taken the right choice.

You shouldn’t have returned; you should have stayed.

When deciding to go back, everything seemed to be in place: it was the right decision. It was following the institutional advice I had been given, and it appeared to be the right solution for overcoming the feeling of motionless.

My bags are still open; I’m not sure why I’m here.

I’m trying to make sense of this new beginning. My old life has partly been reset. I want to forget all this again.

Perhaps I’m just exhausted of the subject.

I try to avoid writing about the reasons that made my life change. I used to follow the news daily and hourly around mid-March. Now, I’m tired. I remember that, a month ago, He told us not to wear masks and go partying in the pubs because herd immunity is needed. All this is gone. And now He’s sick. Or He was until some days ago.

How am I supposed to trust the ones that tell us what to do when they stick their happy shiny faces on TV?

I’m sick of them telling us to follow social-distancing measures whilst producing 3+ people talk-shows. This is not a pro-social-distancing speech, this is propaganda.

Note to self: produce a coherent way of taking notes. Check your Telegram Saved Messages and import the older notes-to-self. I know I won’t do that / I am too lazy. It’s not me who wrote those messages.

I refuse to call myself a lazy person

A friend told me today that we should avoid calling ourselves lazy. We are terrified. We are experiencing a tremendous amount of pain that we are subject to. We see unprecedented global consequences. This is not a local event; this is an entire world that shifts its focus. We should be happy that we still survive the pressure.

This is just shite

I’m not working to fight this pandemic. I’m not even working for the moment. I just wait to see what’s coming. I may not be lazy but I’m not a hero either. Staying home is not something to be proud of. We are the ones that CAN stay home. We can afford it, and this is not right. This is just shite.

ADDENDA / FUN FACT: we are told on the TV that there is a special DNA gene that is protecting us. We are not Italian, Spanish, French – we have a special superpower. This DNA-enhancing thing just seems to me ridiculous. Even if it’s true, I know it is not right. I don’t want to trust them. I don’t know what’s coming. Neither do they.

Before this, I used to consider myself a frugal person, perhaps even stingy at times. ut now, when it seems that Doomsday is almost here, I feel the need to buy everything, just in case. Igienol, 12 liters? Yes, please! Whole kilos of pet food? Hell yeah, add another kilo, you never know when you might need it! Canned goods that will probably expire before I eat them? Of course! Soap? Soap, soap, soap! So much moisturizer for these dry hands? Yes! Advanced crosswords, even though I can barely figure it out the ones for beginners? Yeah, you can’t possibly expect me to spend all my time in front of a screen! And a sudoku, please!

Those crazy preppers were right all along with their buying a year’s worth of canned goods. Because, as a wise man alive says, it’s better to have than not to have. Haha, I’m so funny, I laugh at my own bad jokes. It’s ok, I’ll prepare better for the second wave. Tei Pharmacy, here I come!

I’m jealous of the guy from the song
Eu beau vinu’ cu borcanu’! (I drink wine with the jar!).

A truly rich man.
Oh, man, I would kill for a jar of jam.

I should stop reading Lovecraft.
Cthulhu and Quarantine don’t work together.
Maybe some Kierkegaard for a change?

I am at the bottom of the bucket. A bucket a few years high. I have to keep on climbing until I reach the top, I enjoy the view for a second, I make a choice and then I jump off the bucket.

I swim, I swim and I swim through the ocean of unknown and I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, hoping that I will not drown, ask for a lifeboat or switch to another ocean.

Only at that time I will appreciate much more my old bucket. That was where I learnt how to swim, a space covered in the walls of protection and the illusion of a pause in the timelapse of life.

1 month since I turned 21 (yeey). I have been thinking these days about me. I am spending most of the time alone and I observed that I started to be a better friend of myself. I try to do things as I feel and not force myself so much as before. I still have a lot to learn but I think it’s good that I started. Thank you.

It may be worth it, for posterity, to write a couple of words about this virus that is making people buy more toilet paper than they need to and go crazy on the Internet. I will not write its name based on a kind of feeling that we attract evil if we give it too much attention.

However, from what I can make of it, the virus is dangerous for people with serious diseases, and its propagation would terribly harm our health system and the economy. Those are sad prospects, of course, but humanity has been through more difficult situations, and at such times some people’s kindness makes up for the ignorance of those who come from foreign countries and infect their families, co-workers and others with whom they come into contact. My issue or my blessing is that I understand the fear of dying or getting sick in a foreign country, I understand the fear of recognizing that you have visited an infected country with your lover or mistress because your marriage is a failure, I understand the elders’ fear that they will starve. They were closer to it than we are. I understand.

Fear is a feeling that washes your brain with more soap than we wash our hands. And this soap is old and rotten, made of other little fears – that you didn’t have enough time to do something for your loved ones or for yourself, that you don’t want all this time to think about your loved ones or yourself. The thing is, in order to escape fear, we must work on education and on what values we stand for as individuals and as a society. Howling on the Internet does not change anything. So I set out to come up with more jokes during this time and I appreciate those who continue to do their thing and post their posts - books, dogs, the eternal photo with Good morning, do you want to join me for a coffee?. I even feel like we need more of that.

If we do not post from hour to hour the last numbers that doesn’t mean that we don’t inform ourselves, but I feel like when we get too informed and bombard each other with news... that’s not great either. It makes me wish the Internet was a place where you could just share information – music, pictures, whatever you want. But without everyone giving their opinion. All comment sections blocked, imagine that. Let them call you if they really have anything to say. Until they find the time, mood or courage to confront you over the phone or face-to-face, I think people would lose their zeal to pretend to be doctors overnight or to present you their conspiracies. Or maybe they would read more for fear of being laughed at. Here's a situation when fear is no longer that bad. And besides that, imagine the benefit of having a person tell you that he liked a song you shared, that he memorized this or that line, imagine how much we would talk if we really did talk. But social media is not so social these days.

So if I’d have to search for by my biggest dissatisfaction with all this, it's that people can't live without the Internet. I’d be a hypocrite to say that I am thinking of people's pain when no one close to me has suffered from this. I cannot suffer for the deceased Romanians as I do not suffer for the children in Africa, as I don’t do it for these homeless people dying of cold during the winter, so many people that I do not know.

It is a sort of blunted sensibility, but it’s here because people are treated as figures and we talk so much about it on the Internet. What would I propose instead? The story of a wife who couldn’t bury her husband with whom she lived a love story like in movies, the story of a young man with problems who died, although he had a great future ahead. Of course I know that any man is important for his family and we can all have a purpose in the grand scheme of things, but I want to feel that, I want to feel that it hurts what happens to people who are suffering, not to growing figures, not with a president who barely opens his mouth, as if he couldn't say two words from his soul.

It's a pity that we need more than death to be moved, but this is what happens when the 5 o'clock news only speak about death. You have the feeling that whether you want it or not, for who knows what reason, you will die anyway sooner than you planned. So it's hard to stay at home, and just as hard to stay on the Internet. Because you have no peace anywhere. So I'm going to bury myself in books. I do not know any better.

I think the Internet is replacing the outside world because there is not enough beauty in our inner world. Many don’t know themselves to begin with. They don’t know what they like, except for music, watching movies and looking after the children. Even those get to bore them so they send them to the same 3 or 4 digital pleasures they have. We delegate our life to some machines, we make sure that at any moment there is something to distract us, to take our mind from our own person, from these issues we have and which need so much attention and effort. A TV series about someone like us who can give us a lesson we will barely implement seems to be enough.

My sister tells me that I am overly critical, that there are people with passions that can only be satisfied outside, who like to ride or climb, to play sports. What I think is that these people need discipline for that, and discipline helps you deal with what you have, where you are. A disciplined man will find a way to do part of what he did or something similar, to keep his body and mind active. I know myself to be a disciplined person, that's why I'm not afraid. I'm only afraid that I don't know how long it will take, I don't trust that people will be honest and attentive, but I'm not afraid of myself and I'm not afraid of boredom. I have been learning for a few years now that ideas are born out of boredom and that they can come to life with dedication, study, and maybe a little luck.

So I will see this as a chance, with losses, with consequences for many people, but also with possibilities. For example, I was planning to leave my dissertation for the next year, but maybe I should do it now. Now I have the time for that dense topic I decided on. Why not gather my poems together and pull out an e-book? Why not see once and for all how Upwork works and if one can make a living there? We will see.

Another thing my sister says is that I am fortunate to have developed many passions. I couldn't explain it too well to her because I never succeed verbally, but I needed these passions. Unlike her, I was always raised temporarily by relatives, and when she was with my grandparents, I used to stay alone until late in the afternoon, having to invent my games, fill my time with home chores and otherwise find pleasure in it. As much as I would cry as a child when my mother left for work and the neighbor who took care of us was late, I started to enjoy solitude when I was about 6. I used to claim that the small garden with flowers was a botanical garden and the chickens with the big pig were beasts from fairy tales. My imagination saved me then and later on as well. When I lived alone for a year in a can-like studio and when I took care of my grandfather for two months, without the almighty Internet.

Why have I never found satisfaction in TV shows? Probably because I'm sensitive to the idea that I'm wasting my time and that I have to follow my purpose. Here's another problem besides not always knowing what we like, we don't know what we want. And I think the first comes from the second, cause once you know what you want, which is usually what you always wanted, even when you were a kid, then you’ll do things and realize you like them. You will walk the extra mile and find someone smiling back at you. Isn’t that worth it?

A friend from Greece called to tell me that she could lend me money if I needed, knowing that it's hard for freelancers, as for so many others. I wanted to hug her but I comforted myself thinking that either with or without quarantine, I only see her once a year anyway. My mom too and she’s in Italy, lucky her, but thank whatever God, she is such a strong woman. We have always supported each other. I also see my grandparents once or twice a year, but they stay locked in the house anyway. Then half of my friends are in Bucharest, and they are quite resilient too. No one has complained and maybe that's why I'm at peace. They treat everything like just another thing that comes and goes. So do I, and no matter how much I try to empathize with those who are worried, with those who fear death, I can no longer. I lost enough people to be reconciled with the idea that there is something called fatality or absurd and that this will come and hit you when you least expect it. If I disinfected every single thing that got into the house or went out with gloves, it would take a silly reflex and that glove would reach my nose or mouth.

Mom says it’s worth the struggle, she fears more for us than we do for her or she does for herself. Just because she is a mother. I think it's impossible to be 100% cautious without being paranoid, so I make sure to wash my hands and not get too close to people. But otherwise, I'm not really thinking about it. A friend was joking that the cure was found, it’s ignorance. It's not quite that way, but I can't keep an eye on everything, because I'm either the way I am now, or I'm crazy. There is no middle ground. You can’t be relaxed while cleaning 30 products from Mega Image. At best you can clean half and leave half in the pantry like my sister does, cause maybe before you eat them the virus dies. Maybe, just maybe. This bit of luck, attracted by us or not, is in everything. And I rely on it.

Yesterday I felt that I can’t do this anymore. I used to brag about how great it is to have all this time on your hands, but, for a brief moment, I lost it. I shook my sister in a fit of agitation, apologized and returned to my books.

But today I still miss people. In his most voluptuous loneliness, I think the hermit also enjoys seeing a traveler. He wants to talk to someone about his revelations, about how nothing is purer than sitting like a child under the sun.

Today I sat with my boy and thought about how it would be to stay inside for the rest of our lives. To be locked inside because, let’s say, this virus would be even more dangerous. I said I would go out after a year or so, let it kill me. And he said I wouldn’t be the only one. A lot of people wouldn’t be able to take it. We see that already. But society couldn’t afford that cause birth rates would drop. Always the problem of not giving birth to enough people. I’d say let it drop cause there’s enough of us already but ok.

He also said we have to live with the hope that it will end eventually. Not to blindly hope it will be next week, but it will be someday not too far in the future. We shouldn’t aim for a day or month, but aim to be resilient no matter what, cause this is just how life is. And it’s still better for us than for others.

I’ve never felt more creative in my life. I feel inspired in a weird way. Maybe I’m becoming more myself without so much interaction on a daily basis. I’m watching the birds fly away. I wish I can be more like them. They seem so careless, yet so chaotic in their movement. A little breeze is blowing in my face as I stand on my balcony. It woke me up just a little bit, just enough for me to be aware of my own presence. I feel safe in my own little space, far away from them. Maybe I am not leaning towards this safe space, this is not my desire. I know because I’m jealous of the birds who can dance around from on rooftop to another.

I must formulate my ideas in a more concrete way, I need to be more productive. Otherwise, what is the point in feeling more creative and inspired? I must do more instead of think.

I think, therefore I am. I am, therefore I exist, but I’m not living anymore. I’m just standing in my safe space watching the world continue its course. I am literally seeing the time passing by in the same manner as yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. And all those little people staying in their own little house with their colorful lights from afar seem to be doing the same thing. And I can already imagine their activities for tomorrow or most of their thoughts. We’re thinking the same, but for me, they are in their own tiny doll houses and I am a passive spectator. I’m sure it is a mutual view.

First day home. I have spent an illegal Easter with T, his mom and a lot of food. I know I said this Corona thing will help me lose weight, but so far it hasn't.

However, in terms of productivity, I must announce, I am now a RUMMY player. Thought a lot about how I would go out and play badminton or just plain chess, but that requires another person. Then reality hit me: I won't be having time to think about it when everything gets back to normal. My body needs adrenaline so badly and playing sports is the only way to get it healthily. The question is: can I play... any sport? I sure wish I could! Actually I don't, I don't care. I just wanna have fun. Maybe a walk in the mountains when this is over.

Today I saw the sunshine. After an almost never-ending rain the sun shined.

And what’s my point with that? That’s almost how everyone is right now: living with a sensation of rain in our hearts that seems never-ending, interrupted sometimes by our own source of happiness and light.

Well, to be honest, I’m sick and tired of this general dreariness. Probably because it was somehow present even before the quarantine started. Even during my normal life as a student going to university, I’ve felt that people were dreary and discontented, most of them finding reasons to complain about life when it was still normal. (Of course, there were as well people who understood the real value of life and continued to smile despite one or two throwbacks.) Now that life looks different than what we’re used to, people start having even more reasons of complaining and being discontent, thus bringing more rain clouds over their heads.

My opinion was always in agreement to the old cliché: After the rain, the sun will always come. And that still remains my way of thinking. It’s just that I’ve realized something. This rain doesn’t bother me, nor do the tears and suffering that I see drowned in it. Because they’re our suffering and tears, the ones that we should shed for the sake of our world. I don’t think that what’s happening right now is an injustice towards us, neither any of the things that happened to us until now. It’s simply a moment that leaves us with a choice: either evolve or go back to our bubble where we keep telling ourselves everything is fine even though it’s not.

I also shed tears. I also smile. The sun and the clouds also share the same sky. And I often don’t know why. Still, that’s how the world is. That’s for sure. And for us to be able to LIVE in it we need to LEARN to ADAPT. Maybe that would mean not complaining about missing the morning bus or about our coworker getting a raise we think we deserve. It might mean a lot of things for a lot of different people. I’m not sure if the reason why I think we need to change is clear until now so I’ll explain it.

Today, if there was no one beside you would you still have a reason to complain? The obvious answer is that at least you wouldn’t have to whom to complain. If the earth was continuously being poured upon by the rain, would living things have a chance of surviving without seeing the sunlight? That’s a lot like our hearts, being drowned by our self-inflicted rain. What I’m suggesting is not the cessation of rain, stopping the suffering. No, that would be impossible. On the contrary, we should take joy in the fact that we have a pain to feel, a sign that we are humans and alive. But instead of waging war between the sun and the rain we should just accept them as part of the same weather report. No matter the moment you’re in, the skies will be either clear or cloudy. There’s no way of having only one of them (the forever optimist or pessimist people). And because it looks like I just stated a foolishly simple truth, I have to mention that all the profound truths are like this. If that’s how the world is built, why would we try to oppose it and separate the concepts of happiness and sadness:

- Only in war-stricken countries people fear for their tomorrows, we should live at least 130 years
- Only people from poor backgrounds don’t have enough food, we should have access to it 24/7
- Only people who are in need should be humble, we should always aim for more and better

We can’t separate fortune or misfortune, good or evil. We can’t separate it by social class, age, category or geographical area. I think that’s what this virus is teaching us.

More so, my point is that we can’t even separate good and evil in our hearts.

We are a mixture of good and evil, of black and white that will eventually become a palette of colors. But our error lies in the belief that we can be only one of the two and that’s how we see the world as well, with blotches of black and white. Well, I’m saying that we can’t afford the luxury of remaining blind to the world around us, but more important blind to ourselves.

If anyone believes that good equals love and evil equals fear I would like to suggest the following alteration: Good is only a perception and evil is another one. If something is good for me it might be bad for another person. And then what is love and its presumed opposite, fear? Love is when you bring things together, you bring together people, families, collective minds. As the opposite fear is the one that separates them and breaks up whatever love has been building. So, during this tough times which one will we choose? Are we feeling closer to the hearts of our brothers from all over the globe or are we afraid of them and this world thinking they are stealing our food from the store’s shelves or leaving us without jobs? If you chose to trust in love I congratulate you.

Love means seeing good and bad in the same light, accepting them and also enjoying them equally. That’s why loving means truly living.

Besides the love or fear that we might have for others I would like to point to another one, that is the one towards ourselves. Will we bring together all the good and the bad, our qualities and our misgivings in order to see ourselves clearly? Or will we continue to live in the fear of accepting them and keep on seeing ourselves just how we want to?

I’ve always considered that the easiest way is hiding and protecting oneself from danger, exactly what fear tells us to do. Even if we hide behind a finger we still consider ourselves protected from stepping into the spotlight and being seen.

I think that accepting this universal dichotomy of love and fear is one of the most important steps we have to take nowadays, but it’s not the only moment we’ll be tested. So, we should be prepared. We shouldn’t indulge in flights of fancy thinking we’ll have our dream life with the minimum of effort, that we’ll shine like a star and whoever dares to tarnish our name is in the wrong and should be punished. If we accept the love that brings together the uphill and the downhill we’ll be able to move on. Otherwise we’ll just remain stuck in our problems without knowing how to overcome them (if we don’t want to walk on the other side of the hill as well). There must be something wrong with this world, not with us, right?

Anyhow, I do firmly believe that the world still has hope. Like I said in the beginning, the sun will always shine. The question is: will we see it in the same way after seeing that the rain is also beautiful? I hope all of you can enjoy this wonderful weather we’re living in and that I’ll be able to see you smiling when we return to the streets!

Today the tube is all that pops into my mind (I think I wrote about this another day as well, but now all is just blurry).

Is it still operating? Who are passengers? Who’s deemed to be essential and who’s supposed to stay home.

STAY HOME STAY HOME STAY HOME

This is all we were told in the past weeks or decades, I think. I am not so sure. We are due to start getting back to normal on the 15th of May, that is in three weeks. Life won’t be the same, they said.

But how could it look like? How is to start getting back to normal whilst that normal may be gone for good? For the moment, I may be ludicrous, but I have started to feel that life, as it is for the moment, might be enough for me. I don’t feel like getting back to normal as I simply don’t feel that I should start going out again.

Life, as it is, might be enough

Regarding this idea, O. told me today that suddenly she realized that physical exercise was enough, from the very beginning of the pandemic, to get you out of the house. Was it? At least, in Romania, apparently.

However, only today did she take a pen and a paper – that looks like life in a repressive regime where people must sign and declare what they are doing – and she put her name, her surname, her address and where she’s going out.

She wrote: near my home. And that’s billions and billions of miles away from where I’m (at) home.

Leaving aside the fact that near my home can mean the world for some, we were discussing the reasons for which we refused to go out even if the law actually permitted us from the very beginning. The conclusion we got to is that this is how a repressive state makes its citizen obey. Just sign a paper when you go out, it’s not so hard.

But, would you still consider going out when you have to declare your Liberty?

Never mind that topic. We may simply be fantasizing due to the pandemic.

22 more days if I’m correct. And we’ll be free to go out without this paper. But life won’t be the same.

Gatherings of 8+ people may be allowed starting in August, one of the Professors said. Where will my friends be by the time we get there?

Ok, not trying to say that Elon Musk sent the 5G satellite to infect the chosen people with COVID-19. But has it happened, before, historically speaking, that the ruling class decide to give everyone working for them a 3 months paid vacation with 1 week of free PornHub, plenty of food and Easter included?

It is just suspicious to me that they should care about old people so much in this day and age.

Anyway, must look into that.

And check out the dead number in Sweden.

And I have seen Governor Cuomo's brother, who had Corona, talking about the importance of fitness to overcome the virus. Not very convincing as a sick person. Maybe the guy just looks healthy even when he's in agony.

So dear diary:

Why did this 3 month lockdown not happen during the Spanish flu?

Will look into it.

Goodnite.

First day of Easter. I was wondering if I am going to miss the church service in the night before, and being together with all the people. But I didn’t. Somehow, being together only with my family, my thoughts, not trying to avoid all the party people, the commercial taste of everything, made the experience a more spiritual one, more authentic, actually. I think that social media brings out the worst in some people, just like in the case of large crowds on the streets. So a little bit less of both is a good thing.

Have checked on the Spanish flu. Apparently, there was a lockdown and schools were closed for about a month. Some soprano wrote in her diary she's happy she can finally stay home. Then, in a couple of weeks, boredom got to her and she started knitting a dress for when she would get back and try out new recipes (which she later threw away). The worst part in it was not having contact with other human beings (lack of today's internet and videocalls).

Sad.

Then I read about the changes in American society. People became less friendly. They used to often throw parties and greet new neighbors with cookies, well, they became less talkative and suspicious of each other. I suspect this time around with the internet and everything, a lot of people will prefer at-home-work, whenever possible. A bright side of it might be that ANAF will finally have a useful site that doesn't freeze ten out of ten minutes. Not to mention other institutions. As for me, I guess I'll start using a shopping cart instead of clustering everything in my lap (hugging all my food when I go to the supermarket). Today, I realized I'm being such a peasant when I do that.

And now, let's segment my day today:

1. have a wonderful cup of coffee: already done
2. have a wonderful time at the supermarket and learn something valuable there: already done
3. have a great time writing my journal: done
4. have fun teaching English to 5-4-3 year olds
5. have fun doing self-taught singing lessons
6. learn something useful reading that Stephen King diary
7. belly-dance my way through losing some weight

Is it ok to go back to what was going on before the pandemic? I was not able to watch news or read newspapers, sports were about betting and marketing, work was about making money and gain power, and not about doing something that is meaningful, or just fooling around with colleagues in teambuilding. Music and movies were crap, Greta was talking about science instead of scientists, and buffoons were out there instead of kings. Do I miss this world? Not actually, not at all. May 1st, a leftist celebration. I guess I rather prefer the Romanian barbecue and mici than the Western leftist propaganda on this day. It is more authentic here, I think.

A few days ago I wrote down in my calendar:

Sunday - 800 calories
Monday - 600 calories
Tuesday - 400 calories
Wednesday - 200 calories
Thursday - 000 calories.

It's a diet plan meant to make me look like Kirsten Dunst.

Problem is, I only got so far as Wednesday=Today. Today I ate 4 mici and a big salad, plus coffee with milk and sugar and, later on, I completely blew it.

I went on to buy myself a Tiramisu. Gone are the days when you could buy only one and the lady at Profi would put it in a box in front of you. No, I had to buy 2 of them. And pay an extra 5 lei for something I didn't really want. In times like these, I really wish I had a boyfriend to give him the Tiramisu.

That amounts to 400 calories extra, best case scenario, if I don’t eat the other one. Writing here is one of my strategies to resist the temptation. If I can stretch it till tomorrow, then tomorrow I can get back to my diet plan and consume only 400 calories, because I'll have the Tiramisu for breakfast.

I vow to not touch the Tiramisu again today unless it falls off on the floor and I have to put it in the bin.

And if I don't keep this vow, I'm weak. And I'll get back to alcohol, drugs and smoking. I don't want that. I vowed never to touch them again and will is a simple thing. You either have it or you don't. And when you're so fed up with something that it makes you ill, you KEEP THAT VOW.

Coronavirus is the best way to keep away from food.

Coronavirus is a gift for time deficient people. If I don't lose 5 kilos now, I never will. I can do this. I'm sick and tired of eating anything. Food doesn't help. Better keep friends than food. Better dance than eat. Better sing than have pizza.

Better have Coronavirus than die obese.

That doesn't mean I don't love my mom.
She's obese but she's gonna die my mum.

I feel some tingling in my body and in my mind.

why do I keep forgetting about the things that make me feel alive?

and why is it transforming into somnolence right now?

it’s like I need a restart. to accept and to get on with it. I froze for a moment. I meditated. but I’m not sure about it.

there are multiple theories about meditation and I’m not following a specific one.

I started learning how to let my soul be curious about everything. allowing it to explore. that is my day to day logic. and that should also explain my chaos and why I keep being from a way to another.

I find that the only path to follow so I can reach happiness.

but in the end it’s not the only one. it keeps changing.

I faced so many feelings. I wasn’t conscious that I could feel so much. I started by being optimistic, then I was scared, I cried. I become awake. I was scared again, I forced myself to move forward. I built up a mindset that was assuring me that it will be okay after all. I started to appreciate myself again. I smiled, I painted and I danced with the sunset in my room.

After a couple of video calls, I found out I was missing people for real. I was bitter. I was mad at in the beginning. I couldn’t accept it. I gave up. I felt alone. Until I wasn’t impatient with me anymore. I started seeing my friends again. I wasn’t afraid that much of the virus. I was more afraid of the idea of loneliness. We were happy. I was happy. I filled myself with their energy. I used to come back home motivated every time after I had met with people. But, those times, I actually was sadder. The more I saw my people, the more desolated I was. My home started to feel strange because it was too empty. I created an illusion in my mind that I needed a physical presence around me so I could be in any way. I struggled with that before. It was the big minus part of my vice. I was missing people. They were doing their part and they were helping me discover myself constantly. But I was hiding from myself.

I let myself feel now. I throw my frustrations into my personal work. I stop. I feel anxious again. After that, I’m feeling better again. I am more focused, I accept, I let myself embrace those vital moments because I know that I am not alone in this. I lost and I gained a mix of awareness.

Pandemic... Fear... Recklessness... State of emergency… Police… Army…

I think this is how we can sum up the past few months’ nightmare that we continue to witness. These are the words I think of as soon as I wake up in the morning and the ghosts that don’t allow me to fall asleep. I will die… I think we will all die, but not because of Him… We will all die because of collective recklessness.

I refuse to utter its name again, I refuse to advertise this virus again.

I didn’t expect for things to worsen this much, I thought we were in the 21st Century, when everything is possible and nothing can surprise us, but I was wrong. We’re all morons.

I’m tired. Tired and stressed out, because at work I need to put on a protective uniform over the work uniform. It’s not heavy, but it’s suffocating, I breathe heavily and my glasses keep getting foggy, but I have to, it’s to protect myself and the ones around me.

I’m tired and pissed off because I’m being called off by the police and asked where I’m headed to, what I’m doing and why I go around so many places: Officer, rather than having 10 people walking on the streets, it’s better if I do the shopping for them and follow the safety rules. And he answers: Yes, sure, but this isn’t okay either, what if you contract the virus and take it with you everywhere you go? You’ll get a fine. I pay the fine and go on, hoping that the following day they won’t call me off anymore.

I’m mentally tired, because through my work I need to explain to people that they must stay inside, must not go to church, even though it’s Easter and the tradition asks them to. I need to explain to them that God is with us everywhere and anytime. But, no, nobody listens to me. Who am I, in the end? In whose position do I speak? I’m a young man that worries about grandparents, parents, lover, neighbours, acquaintances or strangers.

I’ve been wearing a black ring on my right hand for 2 days, it’s actually a piece of wire and I wear it as a symbol of our sanitary system, that was left to decay, but which is still mended from time to time with a piece of wire, so that it won’t completely crumble. These days, we are the piece of wire, the medical staff.

A bunch of people complain about the emergency measures, about the streets being patrolled by police and army, but those people do nothing but their duty. We are all suffering.

I’m not a very outgoing man, so the restrictions against leaving your home without a good reason don’t affect me. The only thing that affects me is that I can’t meet my lover. I know what the situations is like and I could do away with the procedures to be able to go to her place, but I’d expose her to a risk because of my job. I know I’m not necessarily a threat, but I don’t want to take the risk. If there was a chance to be infected, I’d rather stay by myself and away from everybody, no matter how difficult. All I can do is text her a message in which I let her know I’m safe, so we can talk a bit longer. Period.

I don’t stop to think about what’s going on in the world, how many deaths in Spain, Italy, France, Germany, I’m only focusing on what I have to do, on the fact that there are alone and old people who need treatment, while their children are overseas, so somebody has to help them.

I’m fine, I’m smiling, under the protective mask, but I am indeed smiling.

No matter how bad things are,
there’s always place for worse.
Life can anytime take such a turn
you won’t recognize it anymore.

In the beginning, there were indifference, confusion, resentment, followed by anxiety, impatience, revolt irritation... now there’s nothing left but a sort of resignation.

After 4 weeks of self-isolation, I see the town in a different color. The everyday tiring and full of anger and impatience commute to work has now a different charm: the subway passage seems more colorful and people seem dearer to me.

It’s resignation, sadness, silence, but it’s not a catastrophe, it’s not the end, it’s nothing but the expectation of a new beginning.

I’ve got no regrets and I won’t ever run around to recover something after the self-isolation expires, I’m waiting, as always, I adjust and adapt.

I don’t miss anybody and I don’t feel the need to talk more than usual, in fact, I believe that sometime in the future, I’ll be missing these moments when time passes by sooooo slowly.

There are moments when it seems like every day is another hourglass, part from the endless column, but precisely because it’s spring and from my window I can see the changes that develop in nature, time doesn’t seem that infinite anymore and the hope that life will continue is still alive.

I had only one nervous breakdown. It was raining and, somehow, I remembered Bacovia’s Lacustră, but it went away…

The feeling of longing is increasing and is pressing, is stepping on each bone and on each muscle of yours. It takes hold of you entirely, enveloping you.

You’re starting to remember every little, tiny, memory, even several instants from the last rendezvous. You recall the last grin, the last coffee drank outside the theatre, the last silly joke that caused a good laugh. It’s weighing on you the last image, when he took you in his arms and you thought you could do everything in that moment, you felt comfortable. You get the impression that you feel the dizzying scent again and you sink into the most pleasant memory.

But, at the same time, you remember the last words, the last message that left you in the air. You feel abandoned again, especially now that you have no excuse for arriving nearby and want to sit and smoke a cigarette with him. You feel… numb. You know you’ve been through this before, but now… it’s different. You can no longer walk around the city to clear your mind, you can no longer meet other people to laugh and forget about problems for a few hours. You can’t go out in the evening and calm your emotions. You are trapped between four walls, you can’t even walk to the corner of the block and you still remember how he smiled at whatever you told him. And the image repeats itself day by day.

What happens when longing takes over you and you can only leave yourself in his hands? Just keep hoping you’ll get out of this den sooner. And then what?

We’ll never amount to anything, not you, not I...

This whole staying inside thing is not very beneficial. The whole point of a disease is to get rid of the weaker link. Even stress is, apparently, especially designed to ease things for people who don't want to be here anymore.

Anyway, are you not getting out of your house until it's announced that it's safe on the TV? Because you want to protect your mom, ‘cause she's over 50? Well, I'm sorry, but I can't be friends with you, it's like people who voted for Brexit against people who voted against it.

What am I supposed to do? Not visit my parents for the next five years until the vaccine is contained?

Secondary point: I have to stop thinking I'm special. That would make me special. And I'm not. However, a million people had to have sex to have me, so maybe one of them was at least a little bit special. I will try to go past people without passing any judgment from now on and I will do that by not passing it on me. After all, I am my own best friend. And no one pays my bills. The only people who are allowed to judge me are my parents and my sister because they paid in the past and now it's interest and pay-back time.

Everything seems unsure and every plan made for more than three months seems quite in vain.

I just want to sleep peacefully, without any deadline,
any project, any worry, any sadness.

You know what, I always fucking thought pirates sucked. Like, they are so lame. Hurr-Durr, let me drink my rum and hack & slash with my curved sword. Hurr-Durr, I’m so scarry with my wooden leg. Now ninjas, man, that’s some serious shit. Yeah, don’t mind me, just stirring up an old feud.

time is running out

everything is stressful even a diary is stressful

there's so much pressure

pressure to feel fine
pressure to stay sane
pressure to do your work as if nothing has changed

because little has truly changed

you haven't missed much

ten concerts maybe

dancing to radiohead

your mother's birthday

singing your heart out with your friends

a funeral

You’ve got once chance to do the thing
so, don’t waste it
you’ll be left with regrets all your life

Maybe I just need to escape. I want to go into the woods, to smell the freshness of nature, to admire the beauty of a place so peaceful, yet so dynamic.

15 more days and I think I finally cured myself not of the virus but the news. I finally turned the TV off and this is relieving. Should I be grateful for the current situation? Should I be scared just because they might be lying?

I’m not sure and I don’t know if I should think about this any more.

I just want to get to the 15th of May and breathe.
I want to go out and I will.

Apart from this, today I zapped and zapped through movies, like in all the other days.

I think this may not be so bad after all.

I just love the way Gomennasai sounds. Like, you don’t need to know what it means to feel the weight of the word, and how deep and crushing it sounds.

I was recently asked what were the things I missed the most? I realized that I have next to me the most important things: the family, my friends (even though they’re at a certain distance), the job that I do, what gives me purpose.

Then, I thought about the things that I don’t miss. And I realized there were a lot: the lack of sleep, the nightmarish traffic that ate away daily 4 to 5 hours of my life, the useless meetings, the mask I needed to wear at them (no, not the one anti-SARSCoV2), the way too short time spent with my family, the stress and the constant rush after who knows what and why. I don’t miss the crowds, the boastful speeches, the successful shallow pricks, the useless things I had to get done. I don’t miss the mean-looking girls in town or the fact that I could no longer enjoy the sunrise or the sunset, the trees in bloom, the spring scent. I don’t miss the fuss, the useless noise, people pretending to work, who were so busy with the Big Nothing. The race without winners for game boards, cardboards, empty words. I don’t miss the half page read hastily in traffic, I’ve missed reading a whole chapter without anyone or anything interrupting me. I don’t miss my phone’s ringtone, I’ve realized I can very well wake up early by myself, at the same, decent hour. I don’t miss the days when I wouldn’t get to exercise, eat my lunch quietly or drink water. I don't miss the posts on social networks that announced in horror that the next day was Monday again or that they wanted get down from this planet. I like it here and I like Mondays. I like every day and I like to live. I like to watch the Sun rise, and watch my partner enjoy the auburn sunset. I like to have time to cook with my partner and play with my child. I like reading while leaning on my wife's shoulder, after the little one fell asleep. I like the taste of beer after I turn off my laptop, and I don't miss the endless line of cars that won't let me hear the beer lid falling and announcing that the working day is over.

I obsessively dream of the same places and I manage to replace them by opening the windows really, really wide and if I try a little harder, I think I can replace everything that ever existed, so that I’ll never need to get out of here again.

Everybody’s judging you by your cover,
if you act like a circus freak,
you are a circus freak.

The early morning is the purest moment of the day.

It is that precious instant when the solemn silence of the night is perturbed by the voice of just one bird. Afterwards, it comes a second of stillness. The darkness seems to catch color when various birds are starting their melodic ritual, announcing the dawn of a brand-new day. The wind is increasing the songs of creatures and the air feels more fresh, crisp, pure. For an instant, you are going back in the mountains, while you take a deep breath so you can clear your lungs of the haze left behind by a 2 am cigarette. The nature comes to life before the city and there are a few moments that feels like you’re sinking into a familiar and cozy state of loneliness. You feel like you’re at one with nature and you acquire new powers.

Later, the sound of an ambulance siren is breaking through the silence, succeeded by the rumbling of a train. The noise of machines is fading, whilst the melody made by various birds is amplified. The light is soft, dim. It’s almost as if it wants to play with you. If you look towards it, it doesn’t appear. Just a single look away and the light is increasing, calling you back for the game. A dog’s panting. Another police siren. Birds appease their chirping, after they reached the peak of notes touched. A shaken bag. A slammed door. A sneeze. The howling of dogs who just opened their eyes. And, in the end, a sound of warming an engine. A car is passing by the window. The steps of a stranger.

The light isn’t dim anymore, and birds are losing their strength, leaving the town to wake up by itself and to take hold of the melody.

You know that it’s the favorable moment for a calm sleep.

It’s okay to know what you want from life
if you surround yourself with people that don’t know
it’s just as if you don’t know either

I thought that we wouldn’t go to the church for Easter and we’ll watch the mass on TV.

The Easter Bunny used to come while I was at the mass, but now, because we’re at home, he’ll come after we fall asleep.

I was thinking about what the Bunny would bring us.

Did I say when the quarantine would be over?

I noticed that our animals (we own three cats and one dog) were happy about us staying with them at home.

I thought I would get bored in quarantine, but I always found something to do.

I was thinking that meeting the kids on Zoom is not the same as meeting them in the park or at school. I was thinking that I didn’t like waiting in traffic, I enjoy better staying still at home, and I like Mommy and Daddy working from home. But it was nice at school as well, but I like it better at home and I am happy that Daddy is going to bring granny over for Easter. And I’m happy I’ve attended an Easter meeting on Zoom with a lot of adult friends.

I remembered how I used to play with Ana, my friend, and I miss that.

Easter time was always family time, the same as Christmas. I’ve spent every Easter holiday in my life with my family. Luckily, this year was the same. I’m living with my parents now while my sister, my brother in law and my niece live three floors below.

I felt it was a bit weird this year, even though we were all together. So many people didn’t have the opportunity to see their families for Easter this year and were all alone in their houses. Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than grateful for having spent the holidays with my family, but it didn’t feel special. More or less, it was a day like any other day in the past six weeks, except the fact that my mother spent two days in the kitchen preparing all kind of goodies for this day.

I felt guilty instead of feeling happy as I was thinking of the thousands or tens of thousands people that in those days were dying or were helping the ones severely affected by this pandemic while I was at home eating my lamb roast or the sweets that my mother made. I know this isn’t the way to go as it’s very important for each one of us to keep their mind sane during this isolation.

I learned that the atoms from your right hand come from a different universe than the ones from your left hand.

What hand do you use to wipe your ass?

Granny came to our place. Today, I fixed my robot. I told my teacher I’d rather fix it that have him send me another one. He sent me the missing part and instructions and I managed.

Granny brought 10 million bags.

The animals, the dog and the cats, were happy that granny came!

I also went outside.

Wouldn’t it be a bit too arrogant if the son of God himself were Jewish?! Out of all the Earth’s nations, only the Israeli one received the honour of having Jesus. What connection does it have or how is the divinity related to Israel? And why, out of all countries, they were the first chosen to preach the faith?

Funny.

People think that you’d be interested in certain topics and they start talking about them, when even they themselves aren’t interested.

Friends with whom I enjoy chatting on different topics and whom I trust to speak their mind no matter what. Especially when it comes to giving advice and stating the truth regarding anything that’s happening in my life. Friends that are true and invest time in our friendship, even when they’re busy or have a lot of things on their plate. Friends that are family.

Self-isolation made me realize that less is more when it comes to friends. I’ve started with what it seemed like a never-ending list of people to catch up on a regular basis. Almost 2 months down the line, things started to settle as I realized that I’ve been invested a lot of time and energy in one-sided friendships that were not meant to last. Truth be told, the only thing that kept us going was the fact that we literally didn’t have time to see it. Quarantine did that.

And it was refreshing. Liberating. And painful to some extent. It was hard to process and avoid blaming myself for it - shoulda, woulda, coulda.

It’s never easy to let people go, especially the ones that you still care for but from whom you’ve grown apart and with whom the only thing that you’re sharing now are reacts on Facebook or Instagram. And that’s fine.

Sometimes, people come into your life with a purpose and with a deadline, it’s useless to try to extend their stay. Like romantic relationships, some friendships don’t beat the odds or aren’t meant to surpass the challenge of time.

I’m sure that somewhere on social media there is a challenge with tag your 10 best friends… and I’m totally up for that now.

It’s 2020 and we still have porn on Twitter.

C’mon, Facebook, when are you going to add a dark mode to your app?

I’m becoming amoeba, my totem animal. eukaryotes. protista. protozoa. I am left without legs, in their place I notice the appearance of pseudopods, fake legs with which I crawl more than walk. fairly speaking, of what use are the legs when the longest distance you can walk is between the bedroom and the kitchen? I am left without hands. spoiled and irrational, he reproached me for not being able to bear up with anything from what’s been happening lately, especially with the sanitizer. I also use the pseudopods for writing these lines and for opening the fridge. the only aspect that differentiates me from an euglena are the assimilating pigments which the euglena possesses, which I don’t, so basically the exclusively heterotrophic feeding mode. it can be said that she is genetically prepared for the pandemic, while I, when I run out of food, have to return to a human form, write my declaration, take my identity card, go downstairs and cross the street to mega.

my hands smell of tomato sauce and sanitizer.
it’s an interesting smell and a bit unpleasant.

i am essentially non-essential so i get to be safe

Controversial gaming, movie, books and music opinions: Cuphead isn’t that hard. The Orphan of Kos from Bloodborne isn’t that hard. Avengers: Endgame is a shitty and bad movie, Age of Ultron is much better. I have never listened to The Dark Side of The Moon. The Witcher 3 is a clunky game. Us is better than Get Out. Blade Runner 2049 is as good, if not better than the original. World of Warcraft isn’t what it used to be. Death Note’s second half is as good as the first one. Annihilation was a great movie. Ana, Mon Amour is the best Romanian Movie since Forest of the Hanged. Batman: Arkham Knight was the best of the series. Underground rappers are stupid and boring. VR is only for Horror and Porn. mother! was the greatest film of 2017. The Revenant was a fucking stupid movie. If you only watch indie movies, you aren’t that smart. Rogue One is the best Star Wars movie. The 1st Twilight is actually a good movie. I liked Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. American Psycho is barely readable. Ariana Grande is the worst fucking singer I have ever heard and I feel like I need to drench my ears in bleach every time I hear her. Chuck Palahniuk is a good writer. The Witch is one of the best horror films ever made. Scooby-Doo and the Zombie Island is an incredible film. I liked the last season of Game of Thrones, even if it was rushed. Lost’s ending was perfect. Florence’s best song is a cover, Stand By Me, from Final Fantasy XV.

Two days left until lifting lockdown. Nothing lifts for me though. I'm gonna be zooming this whole summer. Excellent news yesterday, from my tutor, who said I can help her shoot some tutorials and zoom in and out with some new kids. As I am in a theta state right now, I feel thankful and loving for all these wonderful people who have helped me get over this period.

Apart from the anguish of not knowing how much it will last, the obvious sadness of a lonely 26 year old, apart from myself, I can honestly say these past couple of months have been the best days of my life. I've had epiphanies, I lost 2 kilos, it's deep into springtime, all my plants are doing great, my mom and dad are ok. My sister is ok. I realized they are the only ones who are going to be there for me until I die (if we don't fuck it up). I knew that, of course, but it became more evident. I have been dancing and discovered it does me good. Now, the end is near, I don't want to get back unless I can acquire a parachute in a couple of months. It's quite cheap and it's either that or choosing to get rid of my mole. Since the latter is for real women only, I think I'm gonna put my efforts into jumping from a high altitude. God, that would reaaaaally be cool! Although, getting rid of my upper lip cocoa hickey might save me some 50 hours spent thinking about how I could have looked different than my communist aunt if only I'd have removed it at the right time.

Ah, life! Many many choices. Which one is it gonna be? Choosing to do a job that brings me money and some fair amounts of joy, or choosing to be an artist no one knows about, who's not really an artist but does a good job pretending to be a teacher, for... less and lesser money? I could also choose to be homeless but that would just alarm everybody and I'd end up back in my parents’ house. I've been going nuts thinking how sad it is to have put in so much effort into becoming an actor. Two years and roughly 10000 lei. No mistakenly added zeros. So the numbers tell me I'm a real sucker if I don't get that money back in two years. But that's what I said to A. C. when I told him I'm gonna make 5 movies in 4 years. Look where that got me. But what can you do? You cry it out, you eat a salad, you take care of that voice and body and you move on. Eventually, life is about how you make money.

And thank god, I've proven people I can use my English and my acting skills for something other than videochat which is something a million girls do around here. No added zeros, no preservatives! So I should tell it to myself everyday: Good girl! I guess nothing goes to waste, huh? I mean all those years spent in high school trying to Ace every subject weren't in vain after all.

I need to shoot that parachute sometime soon.

If you were really appreciated during life,
no one would cry after you when you die.

So from tomorrow I’m supposed to feel a sentiment of freedom and liberation just because I won’t have to carry with me a declaration every time I go to the supermarket to buy some bread. And I’m supposed to be enthusiastic to see my friends or my family, to go out more, to do more in nature, to be able to finally stay outside after 10 p.m. This is what I am supposed to be feeling right now, but, to be honest, I don’t really know how I am. I am not that eager to go out or interact with many people. I hope that all my healthy habits which I’ve developed during quarantine to stay and not forget myself all over again. I’ve never had more time to spend with myself or to do things, lots of things, from courses to learning a new language maybe. I hope this indeed has changed me and I won’t forget all the things I want to do from now on and how I’ve started to change my life. People forget, they always do. After a couple of weeks, it would be like nothing had happened in the way they act, not necessary in how things will work this year. Bars closed, trips cancelled, no more partying or not thinking twice before you act. I really wish to be able to travel again. I miss so much being on a plane and feeling excited to see new places and meet casual strangers. I miss partying, sure, but I think I am going to spend a little bit more time not going back into all the dynamic routine within a day in one’s life. Just a little bit more. I want to put my thoughts in order and really hope for the best, especially the fact that I won’t forget what I’ve learnt these months. It’s going to be a long year.

It's the first day without Iohannis’ declaration and they asked for a mask in the store where I went to buy ingredients for a tuna salad. I didn't even think to get a mask when I left so I went to the pharmacy to find out how much one costs. Three lei fifty, she said. I said ok, thanks and I left. It seems quite expensive to me since three months ago it was 1 leu.

My appetite withered away with my failed attempt to get all the stuff I wanted. So I think that I'm not going to eat today. It saves me a lot of trouble, one of them is getting out and exposing myself to the infection. As if I cared if I die.

What better way to go than such biological accident?

It's very quiet here, in the countryside, and life seems normal, simple. I can stay all day in the sun, do yoga outside, while breathing in the fresh air, hear the birds (very cliché, but I really enjoy this). Feel a connection with nature and the world itself. I wish I could come here more often. It's sad, but I don't want to go back to the life I had before. All that noise, pollution, fast pace. I sometimes believe I'm too young to be dreaming of silence. I like crowded and noisy places only at night, when I want to let go of everything and be wild. And this period was weird because I didn't get to do that. I don't even have the desire to do it, at least not right now. I just want health, people around me and more love. And a cat.

Why do people want to go outside?
I’m not going outside.